How to Survive Your New Year Resolutions – Apocalypse Edition

2020 brought COVID-19. 2021 saw us sick and divided. 2022 said we’re also broke and need to budget for eggs. 

But the most threatening horror lies in wishful minds and desperate hearts at the turn of every year. It looms with the clink of champagne glasses on New Year’s Eve & echoes with early morning alarms being snoozed repeatedly. The demon that calls: our coveted new year resolutions.

How long will this torment us? How many times can we promise our food-loving, distraction-obsessed couch potatoed selves that we will do better in the new year? Will we again suffer the reality that the “new year” is today?

We will survive, comrades! There’s hope, even in the depths of self-inflicting pressure and impending doom. 

Here are life-diverting tips on how to survive our therapy-deserving delusions of productivity and discipline.






Nobody gets out alive… so get a head start! The pursuit of sickness-inducing success is made of intoxication, caffeination, and exploitation. 

In fear of not reaching your quarterly sales goals? Catch up with the herd to regroup and down those Patron shots at Happy Hour. The inspiration from those late afternoon bingeing sessions will revive you with hangovers that remind you what you truly deserve – unforgiving competition followed by heaving punishment now and forever. 

Exhausted already? Coffee is your friend, but Red Bull gives you heartburn. Feel the burn! Stay up contemplating your life decisions since age 20 and spend all night texting your accountability bros about updated strategies. The camaraderie is bound to disturb your sleep so grab another can & get to executing! 

Remember, your body telling you to rest is a mirage promoted by the weak. Listen to the ad execs, celebrities, and social media influencers who have never met you – they know best for all who have ever walked the earth. They’re absolutely getting paid by sponsors with agendas to push profits. 

Still not making enough money? Take lessons from your successfully conniving idols. Like Elon, demand more productivity from your team and pay them less than a living wage. Like Bezos, steal ideas from the small businesses partnering with you to expand your pockets. If you’re a boss, then go all in and be like Santos: make it all up because you’re still the same person anyway. 


Be ready for the backlash of bloated egos, business plans on crack, and ongoing burnout. God forbid someone asks you to be their accountability partner. Make yourself valuable to the world you envision – have a survival kit ready, ignore all your health concerns, and help everyone but yourself. 

For your survival kit, focus on what matters most – your social media presence. Stay on top of your OOTD (outfit of the day), the latest iPhone tricks, and reels on reels! To survive means showing up relentlessly day after day to display your best-photoshopped self. Positive content only because for nobody likes a downer who reminds us what’s real. 

You’re tired? You have a cold? Got Covid again? You’re on the right path! Avoid ultimate failure by choosing to ignore all health needs and persevere relentlessly for immortality aka money to your name. You have a critical and urgent need to build generational wealth so your children’s families can prosper. But you? The apocalypse isn’t going to promote itself.  

What if you’re blocked and can’t seem to move forward with your plans? Repeat the mantra: out of sight, out of mind. This will allow you to lose your mind and not miss it so much. Repeat this as you do the motions: make your bed, vacuum the floor, and make dinner. You’re not a failure yet; you’re simply becoming a robot & that’s still en route to maximum productivity! You may also want to check in on your comrades and focus the conversation on their successes, never letting them in on your temporary struggle to live a life that fuels not fucks. 


Master the art of self-deception & have a backup plan when you think you’ve had enough. No amount will ever be enough. 

After setting yourself up for grueling daily systems and maniacal profiting, you may experience an almost peaceful awakening where you realize you have everything you need. This is when you pivot like your life depends on it. 

Never mind your sanity, the sanctity of life, or God forbid your wants and needs. We are here to thrive, not be satisfied with what we already have. Sparta!! Pivot into a new, exciting goal. Pivot into a different herd. Pivot into consuming-obsessed oblivion where blind ambition can still prosper. The plan is to never stop. Ever. 

When your loved one calls to check in on your mental health, have a quick conversation-changer ready: I’ve got to go to the bathroom! I’m ready to pay you back! How about a work trip to Vegas?! 

When your weekly reminder to get fresh air and meditate sounds off, shut it off like it’s the devil himself and pretend it never happened. You had your chance to meditate when you cried in the bathroom before the department meeting last week. 


To avoid ultimate death that is failure of your new year resolutions, designate a place to run and hide. Governors do it when record-breaking natural disasters head to their homes, so you can too! 

Since a luxury underground bunker isn’t readily available for most of us, go hide in the arms of your loved ones or rather your paid associates. 

If you have the amount of money that allowed you to ignore all previously shared tips and still prosper in deep, corrupt pockets, you may be experiencing privilege. We do not choose what world we are born into, but we can choose how to react impulsively in anxiety and rage. 

If a physical hideout like a woman cave is not available, travel inside your head with the help of many easily accessible pharmaceuticals from your local Walmart. If you’re lucky enough to have squeezed in enough time to establish a semi-loving relationship with a fellow delusional resolutioner, go cuddle and scream into the hard abs or biceps of your mutually-benefiting romantic and business partner. 

If the rage hasn’t simmered down, try the dizzying mask of alcohol or the insipid TV programming perpetuating ideals of destruction and despair. Stay there until it’s safe to reemerge with a newfound sense of debilitating ego. 

Of course, we could always decide to stop, take several deep breaths, and evaluate what truly makes our lives worth living. But that 4-bedroom charmer in Hollywood Hills isn’t going to buy itself! Denial and obsession really can save the day! 

Now #letsdothis. Your therapist is waiting. 

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